Listen, sometimes I hate the internet.
Just kidding, I don’t usually hate the internet, but I do hate forms. I hate filling out forms. There are so many forms. Why are there so many forms?! Why do I have to fill out the exact same thing over and over and over and over even (gasp!) within the same form?
I realize my time is not exactly crazy valuable these days, being unemployed and all that. But what if it were? And guess what, there are busy people out there who have to fill out these forms and maybe all they want to do is look at pictures of kittens cuddling with donkeys and bunnies hiding in boxes in their spare time! Maybe that is all they want!! And maybe they do not want to ‘create a login’ and put their address and six different contact phone numbers or six pages of weirdly specific information that can’t possibly be being used in a legal manner and maybe they don’t want to look at the page with all these “exclusive” offers concerning buying plots on Farmville for 673 seconds. The website has pictures of dolphins wearing capes though, and really, who could possibly resist that? But guessssss what. Creating this login took time away from looking at puppies doing cartwheels, and that is a straight-up tragedy.
“Don’t have an account? Create one here!” is one of the most dreaded phrases for me to see on the internet. I don’t want to create an account. I have a billion accounts. I have so many accounts on websites I have only visited once or that really have no need to store my information since you are just reading the newspaper but what company doesn’t want “users”? That word has become gross too. Users of this website, users on that one. Blah blah blah. Blah. I am so annoyed with logins and accounts and all of that crap. Guess what, IMDB? I do not want an account on your website. I just want to know if that guy on Gossip Girl was also on an episode of Sabrina the Teenage Witch (wishful thinking, by the way) or to check if Kim Kardashian has actually done something to make her famous except being obscenely wealthy (she hasn’t, obviously, but every once in a while I like to check on her and the other weirdly famous people to see if maybe I was wrong. It’s similar to me eating a tomato once a year to make sure they are still disgusting)? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I can’t handle all the forms! I can’t handle being asked “secret questions” so I can recover access to my super sensitive list of YouTube videos by answering a question that a person I met on the street could answer for me after a twenty second conversation! I AM BEING FORCED TO USE TOO MANY CAPITAL LETTERS AND TOO MUCH PUNCTUATION, TWO THINGS I AM EMPHATICALLY AGAINST, BUT THESE ARE DESPERATE TIMES!
I recognize that some forms are necessary. Job applications, for one. Something I’ve been filling out a lot of recently. But oh, the redundancy and lack of relevance! I am about to go butt crazy. I don’t even know what butt crazy means, but I have a few guesses (I really don’t. I think I made that phrase up). Contact information? Of course. Questions about availability? Totally legit. Upload my resume? Fantastic! Living situation? Well, I guess. Past addresses? Uh… Seven questions requiring a paragraph answer asking the exact same thing? Not cool. Every single piece of information that is on a standard resume reentered in tiny boxes, taking sixteen and a half days to complete? This is pure torture. I can’t handle it! I can’t handle it! And Chrome, if you’re so great why won’t you autofill?! You remember my Neopets username but not my work history that I have been entering into identical forms for days and months and years and decades? You’re the worst! Maybe I’ll go back to Firefox, hmmm??
When it comes to job applications, I have this feeling that I am being punished a little bit. Or maybe just mocked. Like, “haha, you don’t have a job and you need one REALLY bad or you sure wouldn’t be applying here so maybe you should put in the same information in six times and then when you try to hit submit it will freeze and you’ll have to do it all over, tee hee! Isn’t that soooooooooo funny?” Super funny, internet. I know I said I don’t hate you earlier but the more I talk the angrier I get! You should see the exclamation marks I am editing out!!!(!!) You big jerk. I know you helped me find that store where I can buy a ten-foot long gummy worm and a website devoted to hating Nickelback, but that doesn’t change that fact that I’m going to punch you in the eye when I get the chance. DID YOU HEAR THAT, INTERNET? I am going to go right now and try and find a picture of Tina Fey riding a unicycle, and if you make me create a login to see this picture that inevitably exists somewhere … vengeance will be mine.
*EDIT*/Disclaimer: I have been filling out job applications for the last forever hours. This may have influenced the emotion conveyed in this entry.