Here’s the thing, I’m reporting to you today from inside a cloud of sickness, so…here I am. Ta da!
Anyway that’s my disclaimer. What I want to tell is partially about me and partially about two of my favorite people in famous-people-world: Amy and Will.
More about them in a minute. You should know something. When I am in a bipolar related down-cycle, a lot of weird things can set me off into despair and weeping. It’s super fun. For example, the other day, I was all happy go lucky, sitting on rainbows, and husbo was like, cool, let’s do something fun, but let me go to the bathroom first. This is how the rest of the situation played out.
**Ian exits the bathroom, and finds me sprawled despondently on the couch.
Ian: “What’s the matter??”
Me: “It’s just not fair. Nothing’s fair, everyone is terrible.”
Me: “How could she do that to him!! NO ONE DESERVES THAT SORT OF TREATMENT.”
Ian: “…who are we talking about?”
Me: “Ted, from How I Met Your Mother. When that one girl left him at the altar for the other guy, I can’t even believe her. WHO DOES THAT SORT OF THING! THEY WOULD’VE BEEN SO HAPPY. PEOPLE NEED TO JUST CHILL OUT AND STOP WORRYING AND BE HAPPY.”
Ian: *cautiously, because naturally he is confused about what is happening* “Have you…were you just watching How I Met Your Mother?”
Ian: “So…when did you see Ted getting left at the altar?”
Me: “Like…like six months ago…it’s just so sad…”
Well there was more to that scene, but it goes downhill from there. Ian is very nice and doesn’t make fun of me in this state, though I definitely deserve it. What the crap. I need to clarify further: I don’t even like How I Met Your Mother that much. I watch it sometimes, and there are funny moments, but it just doesn’t float my boat. So…that just adds a little more bizarre perspective.
Similarly, in Parks and Recreation (a show I love and am obsessed with, so this is even more intense) when Ben and Leslie broke up, I was so upset. I am only a little ashamed to say that I cried. They are probably my second favorite fictional pairing in all of TV (second only to Lorelie and Luke, OBVIOUSLY)(I watch too much TV?) And when Ben proposed, I cried some more. I know that I get very attached to fictional characters. When I finished the Harry Potter books, I was in a strange daze that lasted for weeks, because what was I supposed to look forward to in life anymore? Actually, any time I come to the end of a character-based book, I am filled with anguish.
SO IMAGINE MY DESPAIR WHEN I FIND OUT THAT MY FAVORITE CELEBRITY COUPLE JUST BROKE UP. I am of course referring to Amy Poehler and Will Arnett. I idolize this couple. I normally don’t give a crap about celebrity relationships; I know it seems like I would due to my interactions with fictional characters, but when a relationship lasts on average less than 7 years, I don’t let myself worry about it. I don’t expect it to become magical.
But Amy Poehler and Will Arnett were different. They are both hilarious. They hang out in similar circles. They guest starred on each other’s shows, and did movies together (the only redeeming part of Blades of Glory, C’MON)(I am trying to incorporate the word “C’MON” a lot in this post in honor of Job in Arrested D). They have adorable kids. Parks and Recreation and Arrested Development are the two greatest things ever. No. That’s not true. Sorry. Arrested Development is indisputably the greatest thing ever, but Parks and Recreation is not far behind. And Amy Poehler is hilarious in everything, and Will Arnett is just mostly hilarious in everything, so they are even.
I am sort of getting off the subject again. I don’t know if much of this makes sense. I’ll try to stay on track about what I am trying to say.
This is seriously how I heard the news:
Me: “You know who my favorite celebrity couple is? Will Arnett and Amy Poehler. They are just so great.”
Sister #2: “Uh…you know they just separated, right?”
Me: “LOVE IS DEAD.”
I had to find out more. What happened? What went wrong? And more importantly, how could I facilitate their reunion?
To find out, I did something I swore I’d never do, not with anyone I really cared about: I plunged deep into the gooey, sugar-stained depths of gossip blogs. Remember how I talked about 4chan? Those places are just sanitized versions of 4chan. Kind of.
Those two. Being normal and happily married together. LITTLE DID THEY KNOW.
It was a waste anyway. I found nothing that told me the answers, nothing to fill the void. They weren’t talking to reporters about it. There was no evidence of public smearing. They still seem “amiable”, that’s the word everyone is using. Their separation and pending divorce is private, and they are keeping it private. Kudos to those two. Curse them. I only respect and like them more.
I’ve been looking at pictures of the two together and weeping for the past several months. And I’ve found that the internet is mourning with me. Gawker has an article titled “Amy Poehler and Will Arnett are Separating So Go Home and Break Up with Your Boyfriend Because ‘Love’ Is a Lie” and multiple images of the two with “Love is a lie” and other things printed on them. I even saw a Parent Trap style photo, you know, where a picture of them is torn down the middle? Every site you go to, everyone is sad, upset, confused, and hungry. Jk jk, I know sad and upset are mostly the same emotion in this situation.
This only validates my sadness. This really doesn’t bode well.
I kind of want to concoct a Parent Trap scenario (inspired by the ripped picture I saw) where I sneakily get them back together by bringing up old times and pretending to be my twin sister. But I don’t know what their “old times” consist of, and I am not one of their children…and they don’t have twins…it’s going to be tricky. I am currently accepting suggestions. C’MON, GUYS! It’s for the good of love.
I am going to go crawl back into my sickness hole. It’s been real, everyone. It’s been real.