“I love sloths. They have the weirdest hands ever.”

So I’m a married woman now, and that means living with a man, and it’s sort of weird. I’ve been adjusting to all sorts of things. Like his creepy toothbrush that looks like it hasn’t been replaced in six years, but it’s actually only about 60 days old. This leaves me wondering, sort of horrified, what he does to the toothbrush–what sort of abuse does he submit it to? And while I could just peek into the bathroom while he brushes, I’m too lazy, so it’s still a mystery.

Additionally, sometimes he does dishes with what he calls the “juice” (soap) and sings songs to himself while looking at videos of baby sloths. He wants to adopt one. As he was looking at sloth sanctuaries I heard him mumbling, “[My sloth] would do anything for me…he would do anything for me!”

I’m not exactly sure what that means. Is he referring to the loyalty he would develop with his sloth companion? Like drag you from a burning building kind of anything? Or is it more like “that sloth is going to do all my chores”? If that is the case, it seems misguided since sloths are notoriously slow…or maybe that is just a hurtful stereotype.

Anyway, the real point I am trying to get at is that marriage = new incidental discoveries. The other night I was setting the alarm on his iphone, and I discovered his list of past alarms. Now I guess on the iphone you can set a bajillion alarms? This is a discovery to me because my pawn shop phone allows only three of them and they work probably about 50% of the time, hence my using the alarm on his phone. Anyway, I discover this list of alarms. I have them transcribed, but I will synthesize the data and present it to you in several parts.

First of all there are a lot of alarms to call or text me. This, I admit, is pretty sweet. The times associated with them are the weird part, though.

The first one, “Do Call Marie”, is at 1:30 am. Sort of a strange time, but sometimes I can’t sleep so he sets alarms to text or call me (cue “awwwwwwww”). Then there is another alarm, for 6:35 am that demandingly says, “Call Marie!” This is fine, I guess. I am pretty sure this is when I was taking him to work/school because his car was broken, and I have a tendency to sleep through my alarms that only sometimes go off. But then at 7:00 am, another alarm is set, in a much more timid voice: “Maybe should call marie” He sounds whipped, chastised. How dare you talk about Marie in such an authoritative voice, a disembodied voice reprimanded him. How dare you wake her from her slumber.

There is also a category of alarms that seem more like items on a to-do list, and nothing to do with the time set. “7:40 am: Call Provo Electric! Get money order” It’s 7:40 in the morning, Ian/hubso. They will not answer your call. The fact that you coupled this with a different, unrelated errand AND the fact that you use money orders is all very suspicious and only lends credence to my point that your alarms are nothing but a bizarre farce. “Figure out game for kids”? At 8:01 am? It’s just so…exact. And also just…what?

The next few alarms worth noting I will just list:

10:00 am “Meetingo woth bosihop” (translation: Meeting with Bishop. I don’t know if the misspellings were on purpose or not, and that sort of upsets me. It’s like I don’t even know him)

11:18 am “Get the heck up! Do your paper work!” (Yes, Ian! Despite your past alarms that would’ve waken you up in the wee hours of the morning, and despite the fact that I know you’ve never slept past 10 am in your life, I am glad for the forceful language in this alarm.)

10:00 pm “going through things” (maybe you thought this was facebook, and you were updating your status about a menial activity…? It seems the only logical explanation)

I’ve been saving the best for last, though.

7:44 am “Get apple out of car”

What the crap. What the crap? So many things need to be discussed about this. First of all, what apple in what car? Was it your car? Was it someone else’s? Why was the apple there? Why was it so significant that the apple be removed? Normally you get in a car and are like, oh there’s an apple. I forgot about that thing. I’ll eat it or throw it away, or chuck it out the window at some innocent pedestrian. One does not make a plan to go get the apple out of the car. And if it was so important that it be removed, why didn’t he just go take it out when he made the alarm? I’m assuming it’s a car he has access to or he wouldn’t have taken upon himself the responsibility of purging the car of the apple’s existence. And what is the significance of 7:44 am? That’s such a specific and unhappy time! I have so many questions I’d like to ask him, but when I did he knew the answer the NONE OF THEM! He didn’t really remember setting the alarm.

So the mystery continues.

Anyway, I guess what I’m trying to say is that my hubso is pretty cool.

Also I’d like to shamelessly plug my bff Haley’s blog, because she’s the bomb dot com. That’s not really the name of her blog, but if you click on it, you’ll be sent on your merry way. She’s a sweet piano guru and music crafter/writer, posting videos of songs (both covers and originals) and poetry. She played a cover of Bieber’s “Baby” at my wedding so beautifully that I DIDN’T EVEN NOTICE. Man. She’s the best.

I should also mention that as I am writing this, one of his many billion alarms (a good chunk of which I didn’t have time or energy to commentate on, for it would require diving too far into the hubso’s psyche) just went off. Maybe it was for buying a hotdog or something.


8 thoughts on ““I love sloths. They have the weirdest hands ever.”

  1. Haha, sounds 100% like Ian! He does crazy stuff all the time, and forgets that he once did crazy things all the time. He’s wanted a sloth since I met him, about when he was 14. I thought one day he might forget that too, but apparently that one has stuck. Haha, hilarious post. Thanks for the laughs!
    Oh, and the first time I met Ian, we went “out to eat” ie. went to Walmart and bought bread, deli slices of corned beef, and bananas, and went home and ate bananas and ate corned beef sandwiches. 🙂
    You too are PERFECT for each other, and I’m glad you found each other! 😀

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