As with most jobs that involve wiping down urinals, mine is not ideal. Sure, we do what we have to do. I don’t consider myself above…pretty much any job, and I have the dossier to prove it. But obviously some jobs are more enjoyable than others, right? Well. Let me rephrase. Some jobs (I’m talking mostly entry level) make you want to stab yourself in the face less than others, and with less intensity. The factors are various and boring. Coworkers. Bosses. Hours. The work itself. Whether or not popcorn is provided for employees on a semi-weekly basis.
Anyway, my current job of being a custodian has reached its expiration date for a combination of factors, and I’d like to replace it with something else. My expectations aren’t high, really. The thing is, when you HAVE a job, getting another job sounds easy. I always go into interviews thinking people will be so impressed with me? But then I look over at the girl with the Bachelor’s in Recreational Management applying for the same job selling insurance and my first thought is, why did she major in Recreational Management, because that sounds like the worst. But then my next thought is, why am I majoring in English Linguistics? And then I have this inner…dialogue (I wasn’t sure if I should say ‘monologue’ or ‘dialogue’, but it’s definitely more like a conversation, but really there’s only me) about how my major is at least interesting, but how there’s not a lot of money, and anyway the end result is that I feel sad about the job market and that (maybe you will understand)I don’t have a lot of so-called “useful” skills. From here, things start to get dicey.
Scenario one: phone call from company, setting up an interview.
Company: Hello, is this Mr. Blah blah?
Me: Well, this is blah blah, but I’m not a mister…
Company: Don’t interrupt. We are granting you the privilege to come meet with us and grovel for a job stapling fruit roll-ups to the faces of people we don’t like.
Me: Oh, yes, it’s so good to hear from you, when can I come in?
Me: Well, I’m sort of busy, isn’t there another…
Company: IF YOU DON’T COME IN NOW WE WILL BLACKLIST YOU FROM EVER TALKING TO HUMAN BEINGS AGAIN!
Skip to THE INTERVIEW:
Lady with glasses: Tell me. What would you do if you saw a person stealing a stick of gum, but it was your mom’s twin sister whom you’ve never met, but have heard of, and you can tell it’s not your mom because of the mole on her left ear? Would you stop her?
Me: Well, if I were in that extremely specific scenario, I would…
Lady: SILENCE!! YOU WILL SPEAK WHEN SPOKEN TO!
Me: But you just asked me a question!
Lady: Tell me three realistic solutions to eradicating war.
Me: That’s sort of a lot to ask, but my first solution is, uh…
Lady: Okay, let’s just cut to the chase. What are you willing to offer for this job?
Me: Well, I’m a hard worker, I can eat six doughnuts in under a minute, I have large hands, and I’ve worked in the body-part-stapling industry for over two years!
Lady: Cindy over there said she’d donate BOTH her kidneys if we gave her the job…
Me: She really shouldn’t do that, I’m pretty sure you need at least one…
Lady: …And that guy in the chair, Micheal, said that he would pay us $20.00/hr for the privilege of this position.
Me: I think that is sort of not how jobs work.
Lady: Just to be fair, you should know that you are competing against someone who has a Ph.D in Stapling.
Me: I don’t think that’s a real degree.
Lady: Oh, excuse me, I didn’t realize you had a Ph.D in CALLING PEOPLE LIARS.
Me: That’s not what I meant!
Lady: Yeah right. You’re the liar. TO MY FACE! AND YOUR MOM’S TWIN’S GUM-STEALING FACE!
Me: This is getting a little personal and terrifying, but I will continue to pretend you are my best friend in the whole world in an attempt to salvage this interview.
Lady: I think that would be best.
Me: I guess I should go…so…when will I hear back about the job?
Lady: Six years to never.
Me: Thank you so much for your time!
Of course if you have skills that are in high demand, you don’t even need to go through this process. People will find you. To all you skeptics out there, it’s true. I’ve seen things. I know people. The Hubso is one such person. He has mad programming skills AND is a super hard worker, which is sort of a killer combo for employers. Job interviews for the skilled go something like this (IF there’s an interview at all):
Executive-something: So how did you hear about our company?
Interviewee/smart person: I didn’t, you just pulled me in from the street.
Executive-something: That’s right, and now you work for us.
Interviewee: I don’t think that’s true.
Interviewee: …I already have a job.
Executive-something: We will match what they are paying you, and I will give you my first-born child.
Interviewee: Listen, I…
Executive-something: He’s very mild mannered and makes excellent omelettes! I WILL THROW IN A PONY FOR FREE.
Interviewee: I guess I’ll think about it.
Executive-something: We will call you every three seconds until you decide. And remember, we love you.
Interviewee: I’m sort of scared of you, but thanks!
In conclusion, life isn’t fair/I should finish college/my degree might not be helpful/who knows. I actually am fortunate to have a job at all, but I do wish I had a mild mannered first-born that made omelettes for me.
Just a P.S., as I sit here, Ian has received emails on two different accounts from a company in Salt Lake trying to hire him. He neither applied nor has any idea how they got his information. And it’s a real company, not those fake ones that email me on Craigslist. Case. In. Point.