I am exceptionally proud of myself today. Let me tell you why. I’m sure you want to know.
1. I woke up this morning. Without an alarm clock. And I put on real clothes for work.
2. I ran errands. I went to the freaking bank. I went to TWO banks. I’m not joking, I really did. I have two banks. Sometimes one just doesn’t cut it. Sue me.
3. Get this. I EXERCISED. I’m not talking about, oh I took the stairs, I’m saying, I put a disc into my Wii U, and I strapped on some straps and I gripped the wii-mote with my sweaty palms and I did what the nice lady on the TV told me to do. She was very flattering. She told me she was very impressed with my running in place skills, but she did say my lunges needed work.
I never exercise. I plan to exercise all the time, and sometimes that gets me so worked up and confidant that I go eat an ice cream cone. But today, I did it. I’m pretty sure I’m the healthiest person in the world, and #4 and #5 will further prove my point.
4. I went shopping at Sprouts. If you don’t live in the West, or…Texas, apparently (I looked at store locations. I thought it was just a west thing, but Texas is nearby I guess) it’s a gateway drug/health food store. It smells like a health food store, and they sell vitamins and I think you can grind your own peanut butter. They have an “olive bar” which was confusing, and a “soup bar” which was gross because they were all healthy soups. But walking in, I instantly felt cool, and like I could start lecturing people about non-organic vegetables and eating habits. I looked around and thought, no one knows I ate a cookie for breakfast; they don’t even assume. Maybe I can pull this off.
5. When Ian came home and was all, “are we still on for burgers?” and I was like, no. I expected him to protest and then I would say, “let me finish! We are going to a place with sal-ads.” But then I realized that I forgot everything about Ian’s nature, and that he doesn’t care about eating out so that didn’t pan out. Anyway, I got a sal-ad! Instead of a burger! I am on a role! I am amazing! I think I just lost 5 pounds thinking back on all the healthy things I did today.
6. I was perusing the clearance section in a clothing store and tried on a pretty dress, but then I couldn’t get it off, because the arms were not stretchy, and there was no zipper, and it went on just fine, but I couldn’t lift my arms above my head, so I had to face facts: I was stuck in a dress that I didn’t own.
I had a few options. The first one that came to mind was calling in the sales woman, and honestly, I almost did it. But when you say “Hey, so, can you help me pull this dress off my body?” what you are really saying is, “Hey, I’m so fat that this dress I’ve squeezed my ample girth into is stuck, and I’m mostly nakes underneath, so that’ll be fun for you to see.” EVEN THOUGH IT WAS THE DRESS, NOT MY FATNESS. But if you say that you sound defensive, and then they just think you are both fat and insecure, and that is just insulting. I will not be called insecure. Additionally, I was afraid that because the shoulders were made out of thin, semi-sheer material that they would rip as the sales woman was trying to pull the dress over my head, and then she would awkwardly hold the ripped dress and not say anything as I stand there in my undies, but her eyes would say, “You are buying this, and I may sue you for emotional trauma,” and I would try to salvage some speck of dignity by taking the dress out of her hands and up to the register, but at that point I would realize I forgot to put my old clothes on and now this scenario is reminding me of an episode of Arthur I saw as a child where he rips his pants in the cafeteria. I guess that’s not really the same situation at all.
Anyway, you get the idea. So another idea was to call a friend to come to the store and help me, but I wasn’t close by to anyone, and also I know that a lot of retailers do not let multiple people into one dressing room, especially Target. I didn’t want to wait twenty minutes for someone to get there.
I finally resigned myself to snipping off the tag and wearing it out of the store, pretending like I was so smitten by the dress I couldn’t bear to take it off even for a moment. But weirdly, the worst part about that was that I didn’t even like the dress. It made me knees look weird. I didn’t want to buy it, and I didn’t want other people to think I liked it, because that would be embarrassing. I get selectively embarrassed. I’ll tell stories about urinating in bathtubs on the internet, and that’s fine but people thinking I like an ugly dress is UNACCEPTABLE.
I made one last desperate effort to get the dress off and then…I did it! It was so magical and somewhat surprising because throughout this ordeal I was sweating a lot because I was so stressed, so I was definitely stickier at the end than at the beginning.
So what I’ve been getting at is, I am proud of myself for getting that dress off.
That is why am proud of myself. It has also been a good day because I saw a spider-man walking down State Street with a satchel over his shoulder and a glass coke bottle in his hand. The man’s gotta relax sometime, and today was a beautiful day.
To take us out, I have a quote from my lovely husband:
“Marie, life is not measured by the diet cokes you do or do not drink.”
He is so wise. Well, at least wise-sounding. I’m not a hundred percent sure he is correct.